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Jul. 27th, 2009 | 09:31 pm
mood: anxiousand in love
music: intervention

Let's not dodge the issue.  It happened.  I've got a boyfriend whom I adore, and I'm having a bit of anxiety about firegirls.  Listen, it's not like I I'm forsaking porn.  No, no no no.  I just need time to think.

For the record, this isn't Smelliot.  86 Smelliot.  Yeah, it seems to come out of nowhere when you only hear from me every two weeks, I know.  But at least it keeps it interesting.  The person that I've been seeing for the past few weeks is authentic and kind.  He's a wonderful musician.  A couple of his songs are so good they make my stomach hurt a little.  Like, seriously, when I listen to him play on his porch, I'm filled with love.  to the brim.  filled.  when he plays slide guitar, I actually get wet.  way wet.  I'm so honored that he's into me; he's a truly righteous dude.

I'm going to have to tell him about FG.  I'm not keeping anything from him because, I swear, I won't do anything to fuck this up.  I'm going to check myself rather than wreck myself.

I'll let you know what develops.


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why don't you write me? I'm out in the jungle; I'm hungry to hear you.

Jul. 13th, 2009 | 01:22 pm
mood: day off!
music: hall and oates - abandoned luncheonette

Hello Fire Friends!!

What a craaaaazy two weeks its been since my last post.  I'm terribly sorry if anyone was missing me, but I had alot of real-life things to deal with. 

First and foremost, I was in a car accident!  I know, crazy.  I've said before and will say again with more conviction:  I'm a bad driver.  Sure, I'm a smart enough girl.  I know pretty unintelligent people drive perfectly well, so I'm hoping the corollary between brains and driving savvy isn't particularly strong.

** oooh, I just heard a car accident on the street!  It sounded like a doozy - just like mine!  bummer for those people **

Anyway, my car is fine (for a beater,) and neither I nor the other driver were injured.  However, I did receive four summonses -- failure to stop at a red light (my bad,) failutre to provide proof of insurance, driving on expired tags, and driving with an expired lisense.  heh.  Why did I let all those things get out of hand?  Did I know that all of that stuff was expired?  Am I crazy?  The basic truth of the matter is that I'm a scatterbrain - I'm not responsible when it comes to handling things like that.  I desperately need a life manager.  Wait, strike that, I desperately need to manage my life better.  I'm forever letting things go until the last minute or, often, way way past the last minute.  I don't even have health insurance!  Really, in a lot of ways, I'm a walking disaster, and this little wake-up call was a long time coming.  I haven't had my car properly inspected in three years.  I just ripped the inspection sticker off.  The traffic officer (I'm not calling him a cop because he was so nice that I developed a small crush on him) didn't give me a ticket for the inspection, saying "I think you get the point."  And indeed I did.

So nice was the traffic officer, in fact, that, though he legally should've taken my tags and had my car towed, he did neither, instead letting HERO OF THE DAY Alex come and pick me up.  (I really wanted to tell him, "I'm just going to have my pornographer take me home," but I refrained.)

After all that, instead of dealing with the crisis at hand (which, in retrospect, wouldn't have really helped me much,) I proceeded to go to a show in wihch Smelliott and another love interest were both playing.  The whole experience was totally surreal: Smelliott there with his pissy girlfriend, new love interest being kind and considerate, lots of excellent music that I only barely heard.  I tried to get drunk, but it didn't take.  I just got a little stupid.  Then Smelliott's band and girlfriend and new dude all hung out at my house until we all passed out watching True TV.  Weird.

The next morning, I literally woke up crying, the trauma of the day before swelling up inside me and overflowing into the phone, the kleenex, my sleeves.  I made some phone calls and got a sub, and new dude took me to work.  It took my family and friends' support and the awesomeness of my work environment to get me back to "normal," and I've been in a vague kind of recovery process ever since.

Today, my first day off since D-Day, Mina took me around to try to get some errands done.  It's never as easy as it seems like it should be dealing with the DMV, and I will likely have to wait a week longer before I can drive.  

Incidentally, yesterday, I misplaced my keys.  I had to have my step dad let me in to my apartment after work last night, and I've been frantically searching for them ever since (I carry a key chain wallet that makes losing my keys pretty much the end of the world.)  I realized today that I had likely left them on a concrete slab that I sat on waiting for my ride yesterday.  This little piece of concrete is at a very busy intersection, and the likelihood that they would still be there was all but nil.

THEY WERE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!  Some good samaritan had hung them from the fence post near said slab, keys and wallet still completely intact!   BAAAAAAAH!!!!  I did a little dance and screamed and laughed.  As my mom remarked soon after, it was a blessing of which I was in sore need.


In firenews, I had a dress-up photo shoot with my angel, my muse, my hero, Mina.  It was tons of fun.  She can make me look so awesome.  When I hit it big, I'll be hiring her as my personal Mina.  So, look out for that.  I can't wait for Alex to get the money to do more shoots.  There's some talk of shareholders and web cams and other things that might improve the financial outlook of the little pornsite that could.  I'm excited and anticipatory.  Here's my favorite shot from part one of my photo shoot.  Enjoy!!!

love and kisses,

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brand new computer!

Jun. 23rd, 2009 | 12:25 am
location: with prettypolly
mood: sunburnt

so, I'm getting a bit sleepy.  I left my blogging until far too late in my activity-filled monday, and now I'm just about ready to call it a night.  If things go according to plan, tomorrow will be quite exciting as well.  we'll see.

the big news of the day is that, with the awesome help of magister, I am the proud new owner of an eeeeee PC that is both adorable and bad ass, which is something I look for in a computer.

I couldn't retire for the evening without at least sending a quick thank you.  This computer is awesome.  The firecommunity is awesome.  And you, magister, are the wind beneath my wings.  Rest assured, a more complete review is on its way.  and pictures!

but now...lights out.

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half a toothbrush

Jun. 9th, 2009 | 11:29 am
location: back to the chair
mood: olfactory
music: sam cooke - little red rooster

I am woozy and scattered this morning, getting stoned before work and listening to my soul power mix.  'This weekend,' Smelliot came to visit, and we had quite a pleasant time.  Notably, yesterday, as we were walking to the bar, I saw half of a toothbrush lying on the ground, so I picked it up and put it in my purse, for the purpose of making a shank out of it.


I couldn't help but laugh about that for the majority of the morning, as I haunted my apartment, picking things up, smelling them, setting them down.  

The no-contest best part of the weekend was the 'fightin.'  Dude picked me up and threw me down on the bed/sofa in a particularly enjoyable way several times.  Next time, there's going to be boxing gloves, and I can't even express how thrilled I am by the idea.

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I want to fuck in the great outdoors.

Jun. 3rd, 2009 | 03:58 pm
location: stupid chair
mood: meh
music: persuasions - we came to play

Nothing like 400 degree weather to make you want to throw on some pantyhose and take smutty photos on the porch.  I had an absolutely excellent time taking these pictures, scanning the back alleys for walkers-by and turning on the squirrels.  Well, maybe they weren't aroused, but I certainly was. 

This particular set-up was inspired by the Ol' Man, who loved to see pantyhose outdoors (or indoors or at a pool or in space,) but especially outdoors.  He's sent me links to more than one photo cache filled with the like, so I'm humbly submitting mine to the lot.


***** This entry is from a week ago; I just didn't post it then b/c I wasn't feeling particularly...uh...post-y, but it's worth noting that I am actually still listening to the same persuasions record.  Also, I sent these and the rest of the cache to the ol' man for ol' time's sake, and if he could've sent a boner via text message, I think he would have.  Nice little morale-booster, that guy.

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birthday poem

May. 29th, 2009 | 11:56 pm

I rarely write poetry, but I did jot down this little thing directly following a dear friends' birthday party.  this is pretty much the only place I would ever want to publish it.  

A dozen mostly jewish girls,
a viking, and her troll
chirp 'happy birthday'
as boys in band vans
roll down wet streets.

The viking leans down
to tell me,
"I don't have a jealous bone in my body"
and lazily kisses her troll, darts her eyes,
and bites her lip.

We smother Jonathon
with kisses and shots
but the poor boy
never knows what he wants.

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May. 28th, 2009 | 11:59 pm
location: between the computer and the tv
mood: hopefulhopeful
music: budos band

I just wanted to quickly post this picture of my new haircut and new apron.  I'm quite pleased with both.



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Elizabeth Reed hates chicks with mom names.

May. 26th, 2009 | 10:51 am
location: chair
mood: smittenjealousgiddynervouswet
music: clap your hands say yeah - some loud thunder

Coming down from the high of love is almost as jarring as my Effexor experience.  After a winning Memorial Day with Smelliot, I am giddy and restless.  All I can think about is when we'll get to be together next.  Isn't that silly?  Really, it's so pervasive, it's as though everything I do is tainted with the stink of the smelliot.  And speaking of which, he (very sweetly) offered to "stink up" one of my shirts for me, a faded red t-shirt proclaiming 'Lobsters Make Me Happy,' but alas, the smell is not potent enough for my needs.

My restless energy is, thus far, being honed for mostly good.  Although, there has been a moderate amount of facebook stalking (and by that, I mean, looking at the profiles of all the girls who have recently friended him.  In a word: insipid.)  I'm trying to concentrate on the positive, focus on work and housecleaning and blogging, but as anyone who's been totally fucking in love can attest, it's pretty distracting.

Mina very sweetly invited me to the gym this morning, but I was in work mode and not in the mindset to walk directionlessly for 30 minutes.  I will, however, have to get together with the demi-goddess soon, as she's one of the few people who can make me feel loved and pampered well enough to forget the dong.  Regard:

And now, a shower before work and the pursuit of delicious gluten-free desserts...

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May. 21st, 2009 | 11:41 pm
location: chair
mood: heh..
music: cars

So, after a lovely, seriously LOVELY get-together last night with Mina and Alex, I feel like I have seriously gotten my life back.  As it turns out, the way that I weaned myself off of Effexor was, um, I don't know...totally reckless and dangerous, and as a result, for the past almost-two-weeks, I've been pretty much a basket case.

But you can't tell you're being a basket case when you're doing it...because you're a crazy person.  heh.

So, ordinarily, I would be too embarrassed about the whole affair to even mention it here.  I feel like my instinct would usually be to just go back on Effexor and forget I ever mentioned quitting in the first place.  Well, I'm obviously not doing that, and the reason is that I feel like it could come in handy.  If it so happens that you learn this from the diary of a pornstar, then so be it; at least you'll know.

Apparently, you really need to follow a lengthy involved process to rid yourself of an antidepressant, especially a medium-high dosage of a 'selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor' (SSNRI).  I'm telling you because, even though I'm a kind of bright cookie, I'm also sort of impressionable, impatient, and self-sabotaging from time to time.  Every once and a while I'll do something potentially damaging to myself when I'm in a situation that looks like it is going exceptionally well.  It's neat.

Soooo, today I took my old dosage after a delicious breakfast (sausage, gouda, fried egg on sourdough, what!?) and all day, I really felt great.  I've wondered all day how much of my improved mood was because I had identified the [now extremely obvious] problem and how much of it was specifically due to the meds. 

This lead me to look up Effexor, and I learned something pretty magical:  Other people have Static Noodles. 

http://depression.about.com/cs/venlafaxine/a/brainshivers.htm  Turns out, people call them brain shivers, brain zaps...whatever.  Do read some of these descriptions.  The feeling is indescribable.  I have been calling it "Static Noodles in My Brain" for a while, but there are few phrases out there that make you sound like such a NUT JOB.  Although "Brain Shivers" is creepy too, but maybe that's the point.  In one of the quotes in this article, someone describes it as your brain "overshooting" and then "retreating" all in the span of "about two seconds."  And yes, that makes perfect sense to me.


Whatever, the point is - I'm going back on, getting my head straight, and eventually pursuing medical insurance.  Seriously, I'm on it.


I'd just like to reiterate that my experience at Chez Firestone et Stambecco was just AWESOME.  Mina had delicious treats including homemade brownies and these little shumai things with edamame inside.  mmm.   then we sat around and purged some emotions, talked about cultural attitudes toward porn over time, drank rose, (where are the accent buttons, world?) and (seriously) talked about how much we love our fg-members.  Oh, and you know, Mina was giving me a back rub the whole time too...


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silly me

May. 19th, 2009 | 01:29 am
location: the chair
mood: my back hurts so bad
music: billie holiday - all or nothing at all

Did anyone else think maybe the hyperquick unravelling of me and smelliot could've been a result of my self-imposed emotional rollercoaster?  Cause it took me all the damn day to realize what I had done to myself and my loverbutt.  And now that I do realize, I'm embarassed and mad at myself but hopeful that we can gloss over this as one of those [we'll tell our friends years from now how our long and meaningful love affair almost didn't happen] stories.

Moral of the story, I need to stop being afraid and start being myself.  although not the crazy self, the other one.

heh.  oops.

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